I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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