I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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