Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
