I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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