YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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