laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
