My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
