I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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