he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
