i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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