I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
