why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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