Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
