dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
