I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
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My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.