i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon