How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Couch. On fire.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
