my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That accounts for only three of the penises
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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