Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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