i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I can text with my tongue
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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