Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
