So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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