she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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