Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
