Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
