i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
