sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
