a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
