oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
