I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sober January is a disaster.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
