i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
