Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
