peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
