Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she told me i tasted like america
My ATM looks so different sober.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
