You're completely useless in the revolution.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
