I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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