Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
