thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
