I want to make a zoo with you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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