After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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