I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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