The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
