Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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