you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
