The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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