he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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