Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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