I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
