don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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