Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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