I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
