so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
