My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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