You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
