a queef is a wish your heart makes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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