I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
