my room smells like sperm. sweet.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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