thus making me awesome and them whores
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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