I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
