i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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