somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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