sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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