Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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