It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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