the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
